My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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