I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
