I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
