Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
