i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
