Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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