drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
