It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have feelings that need drinking.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
