how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
