She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
