true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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