I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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