you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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