I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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