Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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