Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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