Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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