its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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