I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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