Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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