just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
