I heard we made out
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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