I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
