Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
