shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
