Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
love makes seman taste better
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize