anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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