just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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