Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
