remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
someone threw a dead crab at me
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
