Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
