It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
