After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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