you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
