You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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