turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
