She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
