Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
