Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
