Only a mothe r could love this liver
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
