On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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