This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
