Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
