oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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