my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
