from now on my penis is your penis
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
