I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
