My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
no, he came in my armpit
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize