Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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