Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
