My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
