At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
