just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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