Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it glows. i had to have it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
