you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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