....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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