That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
