i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
