He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
