Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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