Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
