i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
