He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
