It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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