We're like a lot better than the average bears
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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