alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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