god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
